ESPN The Magazine celebrates athletes' amazing bodies once a year with The Body Issue. The issue is packed with muscle-bound physiques and sculpted abs and shoulders that look like they were shaped by the hands of Michelangelo (although the inclusion of Prince Fielder in this year's edition breaks that mold a bit). As Prince proves with his au natural posing, not every athlete or sports figure is built like a Roman god, which got us wondering, "Who would we never want to see in The Body Issue?" Here's what we came up with.
Andre Smith—Barring an appearance by Kate Upton, he’d probably have the biggest boobs in the whole magazine.
While it would be interesting to see him pose with a beer and cigarette dangling from his mouth, we'll take a pass.
Any Bowler Ever
These guys frighten us enough fully clothed.
As naked Davids go, he ain’t quite Michelangelo material.
Nick and Holley Mangold
Any volunteers to apply the body paint? Anyone?
Let’s hope CC stands for Consistently Clothed. The guy casts a bigger shadow than a beach umbrella.
We've seen WAY too much of him already.
We’d rather see a picture of Colon’s colonoscopy than see a picture of Colon naked.
Louie displaced untold gallons of water on that stupid celebrity diving show, proving that he has no shame and would likely volunteer for The Body Issue appearance. He must be stopped.
That Old Dude In Your Gym Locker Room
What is it about old dudes at your local gym and their comfort with their wrinkled naked bodies and low-hanging fruit? We don’t want to see it. And neither do the readers of ESPN The Magazine.
Prince Fielder (oops, too late)
ESPN's decision to include the Prince of portliness (thankfully, without Full Frontal Fielder, but just barely) has us a little nervous that they'll revisit some other members of our list. Don't do it. As you can see, Fielder's ample assets have given rise to countless Internet memes. While we appreciate the humor value, we don't want to see any more tattooed, dimpled flesh than we have to.
College Football, News Most schedules are starting to move into conference play, but don’t tell the teams in some of the biggest games this week. Teams like South Carolina, UCLA, Arizona State, Stanford...
College Football, News It was an eventful weekend in the SEC. Records were broken (Vanderbilt’s Darrius Sims). Major statements were made (Mississippi State). And offenses floundered (Florida). Here are some stats...
College Football, News Athlon Sports brings the most intriguing, important, historic and bizarre stats from around the weekend of Big 12 football action: 359: Yards allowed by Kansas StateKansas State lost an ugly...
College Football, News Numbers and statistics are a huge part of college football. Every Sunday, reading updated box scores and stats is likeChristmas for fans and media members. Some stats like total offense and total...
College Football, News The Big Ten finally put together a solid weekend as a conference, which means sorting through the box scores for some notable stats was far less of a chore. The big theme of the week seemed to be...
NASCAR, News A debris field of Chase contenders at Loudon, with several drivers nursing home wrecked race cars and mulling potential elimination, was caused by none other than … debris itself. That’...
College Football, News The guys recap the big weekend of action in the SEC, including Florida-Bama, Mississippi State-LSU and Missouri's lose to Indiana. The Big Ten deserves credit with the exception of...