ESPN The Magazine celebrates athletes' amazing bodies once a year with The Body Issue. The issue is packed with muscle-bound physiques and sculpted abs and shoulders that look like they were shaped by the hands of Michelangelo (although the inclusion of Prince Fielder in this year's edition breaks that mold a bit). As Prince proves with his au natural posing, not every athlete or sports figure is built like a Roman god, which got us wondering, "Who would we never want to see in The Body Issue?" Here's what we came up with.
Andre Smith—Barring an appearance by Kate Upton, he’d probably have the biggest boobs in the whole magazine.
While it would be interesting to see him pose with a beer and cigarette dangling from his mouth, we'll take a pass.
Any Bowler Ever
These guys frighten us enough fully clothed.
As naked Davids go, he ain’t quite Michelangelo material.
Nick and Holley Mangold
Any volunteers to apply the body paint? Anyone?
Let’s hope CC stands for Consistently Clothed. The guy casts a bigger shadow than a beach umbrella.
We've seen WAY too much of him already.
We’d rather see a picture of Colon’s colonoscopy than see a picture of Colon naked.
Louie displaced untold gallons of water on that stupid celebrity diving show, proving that he has no shame and would likely volunteer for The Body Issue appearance. He must be stopped.
That Old Dude In Your Gym Locker Room
What is it about old dudes at your local gym and their comfort with their wrinkled naked bodies and low-hanging fruit? We don’t want to see it. And neither do the readers of ESPN The Magazine.
Prince Fielder (oops, too late)
ESPN's decision to include the Prince of portliness (thankfully, without Full Frontal Fielder, but just barely) has us a little nervous that they'll revisit some other members of our list. Don't do it. As you can see, Fielder's ample assets have given rise to countless Internet memes. While we appreciate the humor value, we don't want to see any more tattooed, dimpled flesh than we have to.
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