Get the Athlon Sports Newsletter
This is sadder than it is funny
With the recent state of politics, there seems to be a parallel between the major players in the Republican and Democratic parties and some major figures in the sports world. So we made a list comparing them. We're just hoping that before our economy crashes and we're all left jobless and homeless that the politicians realize that we need them to be held to a higher standard than we hold a guy who gets a bucket of Gatorade dumped on him when he's successful.
Newt Gingrich is Rex Ryan
How They're Similar: Sure, both of them are fat (clearly) but they both also have egos that match their enormous size. And they both also have sketchy/disgusting sexual histories, with Gingrich reportedly ditching his cancer-ridden wife while she was on her deathbed, and Rex filming foot fetish videos with his wife. We're pretty sure Newt's is worse, but forcing us to envision whatever it is Rex Ryan does to his wife's feet is a really close second.
Newt Gingrich Quote: "I have enormous personal ambition. I want to shift the entire planet. And I’m doing it. I am now a famous person. I represent real power."
Rex Ryan Quote: "We're going to win the Super Bowl."
Rick Perry is Les Miles
How They're Similar: Have you ever heard what comes out of Rick Perry's mouth when he's trying to explain...well, anything? Have you ever watched Les Miles try and answer a straight forward question during an LSU press conference? It's like these guys are sharing the same mouth. And while both have been successful with big programs (Perry with the state of Texas, Miles with LSU), they both do their best work when there's no microphone around.
Rick Perry Quote: "Oops."
Les Miles Quote: "I can only tell you that the only fit to me for those players on this campus is extremely good."
Michele Bachmann is The Runaway Cart
How They're Similar: I'm not sure which one is crazier. On one hand you've got Michele Bachmann, who said an FDA-approved vaccine is making people retarded, Democrats are responsible for the flu, and gave us her insane eyes on the Newsweek cover. And on the other hand you've got that runaway cart that mowed down lots of people at Cowboys' Stadium. Let's call it a draw.
Michele Bachmann Quote: "If we took away the minimum wage, we could potentially, virtually wipe out unemployment completely because we would be able to offer jobs on any level."
Runaway Cart Quote: "I'm a runaway cart! No one's driving me! I'm mowing people down!"
Ron Paul is Bill Snyder
How They're Similar: Both Ron Paul and Kansas State's football coach Bill Snyder are crazy old guys who say and do things that fly in the face of convention. For example, Ron Paul will say that a young man without health insurance should die (not the most politically savvy thing to say), and Snyder once tried to hypnotize himself to compress a full night's sleep into a one-hour trance. But guess what, there's a bit of truth on what these old codgers are going on about. Paul (who says a lot of common sense stuff between his libertarian black and white view of the world) is currently leading the Republican polls in Iowa and Snyder was just named the Sporting News' Coach of the Year after turning around the Kansas State football program. Take that non-crazy young people.
Ron Paul Quote: “With politicians like these, who needs terrorists?”
Bill Snyder Quote: "We practice in the rain. We ought to be able to play better in the rain."
Herman Cain is The Penn State Football Program
How They're Similar: Oh, ya know, that whole thing where they both tried to cover up decades-long sex scandals and then dropped out of sight while meakly proclaiming their innocence.
Mitt Romney is Bill Belichick
How They're Similar: Mitt made hundreds of millions in business while using cut throat practices of sending jobs overseas, while Belichick won three Super Bowls, routinely ran up the score on his opponents and was caught cheating in the Spygate scandal. And, yet, for as ruthless as both of them have been, they both have the personality of lukewarm water when someone is asking them questions in front of a camera. I'm not sure what's worse, getting stuck talking to Mitt Romney at a party, or having him send your job to the Philippines.
Mitt Romney Quote: "Corporations are people, my friend... of course they are. Everything corporations earn ultimately goes to the people. Where do you think it goes? Whose pockets? Whose pockets? People's pockets. Human beings, my friend."
Bill Belichick Quote: “We’re playing for 60 minutes, I don’t give a [expletive] what the score is.”
Rick Santorum is Tim Tebow
How They're Similar: Both of these guys are super religious, and they each have an interesting phenomenon named after them (Tim has "Tebowing" and if you don't know what "Santorum" is, go ahead and google it). But they're also similar in that we have no idea why we're still hearing so much about either one of them. Tebow is a 4th-rate quarterback and Santorum is the guy who will finish 6th in the Republican primaries. (In addition, this time next year, they will both be known as "Remember that guy?")
Rick Santorum Quote: "I have no problem with homosexuality. I have a problem with homosexual acts."
Tim Tebow Quote: "As iron sharpens iron, men sharpen men."
Barack Obama is Ryan Leaf
How They're Similar: So much promise, so much hope. And then when it came to game time, they both threw more balls to the opposing team than they did to their own.
Barack Obama Quote: "I will close Guantanamo Bay."
Ryan Leaf Quote: "I'm looking forward to a 15-year career, a couple of trips to the Super Bowl and a parade through downtown San Diego.''
Joe Biden is Dana Holgorsen
How They're Similar: It's mostly the hair.