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A Naked Bootleg and Six-Fig Newton

A quick look at the lighter side of sports is always a good thing.
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Who knew? Shaq is playing his butt off for the Celtics. Next up on his agenda: playing one of his chins off. …

Cheer up, Bills fans. Sure, your boys fell to 2-9 Sunday, but at least Buffalo remains an attractive destination for CFL free agents. …

Now this is getting downright ridiculous. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell called Andre Johnson and Cortland Finnegan after Sunday’s brawl in Houston to congratulate them for no helmet-to-helmet hits. …

Trouble? Josh McDaniels isn’t in any trouble. All he needs is five straight wins to finish the season. And if that doesn’t work, might I suggest new bowling shirts for members of the Broncos’ press corps. …The Broncos admitted to videotaping part of a 49ers walkthrough before playing them in London. And then, just to make sure no one was wise to them, they got clobbered in the game. …

Coincidence? The same week the NFL is expected to disclose its findings in the Jenn Sterger fiasco, Brett Favre takes off on a naked bootleg to seal the Vikings’ win at Washington. …

Congrats to the BCS for getting it right. You heard me. Unless somebody comes up with 180,000 reasons in a brown paper bag why Auburn shouldn’t play for the national championship, the Tigers should be good to go against Oregon. …No really, I was just going to come up with this one, but some drunken blogger beat me to it: Cam “Six Fig’’ Newton. …

Erik Spoelstra is about to get toe tagged, but that’s only the half of it. Things are so bad for LeBron James and the Heat, people in Cleveland are telling Miami jokes. …That reminds me. The Heat play Thursday night in Cleveland. Cavs owner Dan Gilbert has moved his seat closer to the visiting bench in hopes of giving LeBron a wedgie.


Jim Armstrong

Sports Lite

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Believe it or not, those reports are true. LeBron James is a finalist for Time magazine’s Person of the Year for his tireless and selfless dedication to himself. …
LeBron’s teammate, Chris Bosh, had 35 points the other night. Afterward, Bosh said he was happy to be able to contribute, and even happier that he no longer had to carry LeBron’s bags through the airport. …



I know, I know, sportswriters aren’t supposed to wager on games, but I can’t help myself. I’m betting Cam Newton’s entire 2010 salary on Alabama this weekend. …


Congrats to Jimmie Johnson on his fifth straight Sprint Cup championship. In case you missed it, his brother Darrel and his other brother Darrel finished second and third. …
Just kidding. I love NASCAR. The next time Dale, Jr. wins, I’m throwing a party at the old folks’ home. …


Nebraska chancellor Harvey Perlman criticized coach Bo Pelini the other day for berating the officials during the Huskers’ loss at Texas A&M. Perlman did, however, praise Pelini for dressing up by wearing a clean sweatshirt. …


Derek Jeter is 36 and wants a five-year deal to play shortstop for the Yankees. Hal Steinbrenner has countered with three years and a two-year supply of Viagra. …


Good news, Celtics fans. Kevin Garnett has been backpedaling so much in the aftermath of allegations that he called Charlie Villanueva a cancer patient, Doc Rivers says it’s helping K.G.’s defense. …


Garnett, stealing a page out of the Roger Clemens handbook, says he never used the word cancer. He claims he called Villanueva a Sagittarius. …


Jim Armstrong

Sports Lite

Sports Lite. So easy a caveman could read it. …

The biggest surprise of the college football season? Texas’ collapse. The Longhorns have lost six out of seven and are in danger of not playing in a bowl. According to veteran sports writers in the Lone Star State, the last time Texas was this bad, Davy Crockett was the offensive coordinator. …

Wisconsin led Indiana 69-13 in the fourth quarter on Saturday. What to do? What else? Throw a 74-yard touchdown pass. Sportsmanship. It’s what’s for dinner in Madison. …

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Texas is embarrassed, Brady is stylish...and of course there's always Brett Favre to make fun of.

At this point, aren’t the Patriots the team to beat in Sunday football? I mean, they just hammered the Steelers in Pittsburgh to go to 7-2. Not only that, Tom Brady’s hair is just darling.  …

The Major League Soccer championship game is scheduled for this Sunday between the Colorado Rapids and FC Dallas. So which team is going to win 1-0? I have to admit, I really don’t give an FC. …

The Raiders are in first place in the AFC West. Uh-huh. And if Philip Rivers spends the next six weeks shopping for fake Rolexes in Tijuana, they might stay there. …

Do not attempt this at home. The 49ers allowed five sacks, racked up over 100 yards in penalties and went 0-for-11 on third down in Sunday’s win over the Rams. In the NFC West, that’s known as excelling in all three phases. …

Randy Moss had one catch in his debut with the Titans. When asked to comment on his performance, Moss said he only talks to reporters from Minnesota. …

The Lions lost their 25th road game in a row vs. the previously-winless Bills. Said Detroit coach Jim Schwartz, when asked what positives he took out of the trip: “Those were some killer pillow mints at the hotel.’’ …

NBA owners voted unanimously the other day to maintain their hard-line stance against the players in labor negotiations. They also agreed in a vote of 29-1 that Mark Cuban is a tool. …

And finally, memo to Clint Hurdle, the new skipper of the Pirates: Don’t  be alarmed when your business cards read manager du jour.

 

Jim Armstrong

Fun times in the sports world

Sports Lite: A quick look at the lighter side of sports is always a good thing.
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Columnist Jim Armstrong is back with his weekly dose of fun and irreverence. (No sports personalities were harmed in the writing of this column.)

Troy Polamalu, the Steelers’ Pro Bowl safety, says NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has way too much power in determining fines for players. When asked for his reaction, Goodell said he didn’t know Chia Pets could talk. …


This player-safety business is officially getting out of control. How do we know? The  Post Office is coming out with a new stamp to commemorate the spot where pass rushers can hit the quarterback. …


I see where Shawn Bradley lost his recent bid for a seat in the Utah state legislature. Not that the news was all bad. He was able to keep his gig changing light bulbs on the ceiling of the state capital. …


All right, I admit it. When I heard Mike Shanahan’s assertion that Donovan McNabb wasn’t in good enough cardiovascular condition to run the two-minute offense, I was sitting in the press box with a donut in one hand and a hot dog in the other. …


Word out of Southern California is that USC has a verbal commitment from a 13-year-old quarterback from Delaware. No, Trojans fan Charlie Sheen,  he doesn’t have a sister. …


Thank God Conan O’Brien’s late-night show is off the ground. One more endless promo and I was going to start switching over to the thrill and excitement of the WNBA. …


Say, didn’t you used to be Carson Palmer? …


Don’t look now, but, after all these years of living in the past, things are changing in Oakland. The Raiders took a winning record into their bye week, prompting Al Davis to replace the eight-track player in the locker room. …


So some guy e-mails me the other day and asks if I’m a member of Raider Nation. Nation? They just filled the stadium for the first time in five years. …


Derek Jeter won his fifth Gold Glove the other day. Amazing considering he has less range than some of the monuments in center field. …


And finally, happy birthday to my guitar hero, Neil Young, who turns 65 on Friday. The first time I saw him in concert, the Reds were hoping newly-acquired Joe Morgan would make them a better team. How’d that work out, anyway?

Jim Armstrong

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