These guys definitely have names befitting the gridiron
The last month of the college football offseason has been full of endless preseason polls, All-America and all-conference teams and watch lists. And with the season now just 18 days away, it’s time to finally unveil the list we’ve all been waiting for: College football’s 2016 All-Name Team. Here are the most apt, creative and wackiest FBS player names we will cherish all fall:
QB: Jawon Pass, Louisville
Born to play QB.
RB: Soso Jamabo, UCLA
Say that 10 times fast.
WR: Divine Deablo, Virginia Tech
Quite the paradox, eh?
WR: Edgar Allen Poe, Army West Point
Yes, this really is his name. We swear.
WR: Man Berg, Illinois
Is his sister Woman Berg?
TE: Jake Butt, Michigan
A Butt who plays tight end — the jokes write themselves.
OL: Johnathan Boring, Troy
Are holiday cards signed, “Love, The Boring family”?
OL: Brodarius Hamm, Auburn
We would have preferred “Honey-Glazed Hamm.”
OL: Riley Lovingood, Tennessee
A last name and pick-up line rolled into one.
OL: Gentle Williams, Cal
His parents apparently weren’t expecting a football player.
OL: Rowdy Frederick, Tulsa
Great name, even better mullet.
Podcast: Official 2016 Pac-12 Preview
DL: Dee Liner, Arkansas State
This feels like an Abbott and Costello sketch.
DL: Breeland Speaks, Ole Miss
And this feels like a "Seinfeld" episode.
DL: Taco Charlton, Michigan
No, this isn’t the newest special at Taco Bell.
DL: Lion King, Eastern Michigan
LB: Tuf Borland, Ohio State
Now that’s a linebacker’s name.
LB: Johnny Ragin III, Oregon
Not to be confused with Johnny Rotten.
LB: Bull Barge, South Alabama
Is there a name more fun to say than “Bull Barge”?
CB: Corn Elder, Miami
It’s a shame he didn’t play for Nebraska.
CB: Dicaprio Bootle, Nebraska
Mom must be a Titanic fan.
S: Money Hunter, Arkansas State
Torii’s son and an NCAA investigation waiting to happen.
S: Vegas Harley, Georgia Southern
Vegas is awesome. Harleys are awesome. So this name is awesome.
Podcast: SEC Media Days Jam Session
P: Will Monday, Duke
He must hate the start of the school week more than anyone.
K: Chris Blewitt, Pitt
That’s just unfortunate — especially when this happens.
QB: Bear Fenimore, Houston
RB: Lil’Jordan Humphrey, Texas
WR: Deebo Samuel, South Carolina
WR: Ralphlauren McCauley, Baylor
WR: Equanimeous St. Brown, Notre Dame
TE: Kalvin Cline, Texas A&M
OL: Mason Sledge, Charlotte
OL: Bar Milo, Miami
OL: Poet Thomas, Texas Tech
OL: Forrest Lamp, Western Kentucky
OL: Bearooz Yacoobi, Purdue
Podcast: Official 2016 Big Ten Preview
DL: Poona Ford, Texas
DL: Handsome Tanielu, BYU
DL: Freedom Akinmoladun, Nebraska
DL: Gimel President, Illinois
LB: Jango Glackin, Northwestern
LB: Psalm Wooching, Washington
LB: Ironhead Gallon, Georgia Southern
CB: Sir Patrick Scott, Maryland
CB: Mecole Hardman Jr., Georgia
S: Weston Steelhammer, Air Force
S: Budda Baker, Washington
P: Worth Gregory, East Carolina
K: Younghoe Koo, Georgia Southern
Podcast: Official 2016 Big 12 Preview
QB: Faton Bauta, Colorado State
RB: Steven Lakalaka, Hawaii
WR: Dameon Gamblin, New Mexico
WR: Q’ Drennan, New Mexico
WR: Eddie McDoom, Michigan
TE: Octavius Cooley, Ole Miss
OL: Jay Jay McCargo, North Carolina
OL: Bruno Reagan, Vanderbilt
OL: Wolfgang Zacherl, Charlotte
OL: Lake Kirven, Clemson
OL: Tanner Farmer, Nebraska
DL: Sir Calvin Wallace, North Texas
DL: Hercules Mata’afa, Washington State
DL: Colton Thrasher, Idaho
DL: Finesse Middleton, South Alabama
LB: C.J. Stalker, Virginia
LB: Simba Short, Northwestern
LB: Zach Sandwisch, West Virginia
CB: Jamez Brickhouse, Old Dominion
CB: Will Likely, Maryland
S: Mike Tyson, Cincinnati
S: Fish Smithson, Kansas
P: Logan McElfresh, Minnesota
K: Colby Delahoussaye, LSU
QB: Gunner Kiel, Cincinnati
QB: Chad President, Tulsa
QB: Austin Apodaca, New Mexico
RB: Squally Canada, BYU
RB: Ish Witter, Missouri
RB: Quaide Weimerskirch, Georgia Tech
RB: Taz Bateman, Georgia State
RB: Tommy Mister, Northern Illinois
RB: Bolu Olorunfunmi, UCLA
WR: Ray-Ray McCloud III, Clemson
WR: Ja’Quay Savage, Louisville
WR: Speedy Noil, Texas A&M
WR: River Cracraft, Washington State
WR: Jester Weah, Pitt
WR: Achillas Wynn, Idaho
WR: Crisjohn Roscoe, Appalachian State
TE: Evan Butts, Virginia
TE: Stone Wolfley, West Virginia
TE: Sebastian Sock, Kansas
TE: Tuli Wily-Matagi, Oregon State
OL: Julian Good-Jones, Iowa State
OL: Tank Davis, Texas A&M
OL: Dillon Middlemiss, Colorado
DL: Nick Czar, Navy
DL: Tyler Biadasz, Wisconsin
DL: Iggy Porchia, UNLV
DL: Praise Martin-Oguike, Temple
DL: Zelt Minor, SMU
DL: Jock Petree, UCF
DL: Izon Pulley, Georgia Tech
DL: Clifford Amazan, Georgia State
LB: Olajuwon Tucker, USC
LB: Shadow Williams, Old Dominion
CB: Hussein Howe, East Carolina
S: Hootie Jones, Alabama
S: Picasso Nelson Jr., Southern Miss
— Written by Jim Weber, a veteran college sports journalist and member of the Athlon Contributor Network. Weber has written for CBS Sports Network, NBCSports.com, ESPN the Magazine and the college sports website he founded and sold, LostLettermen.com. Follow him on Twitter at @JimMWeber.