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2012 Athlete New Year's Resolutions


It's that time of year again, New Year's resolution time. Everyone makes crazy promises to themselves like "I'm cutting back on my carbs" or "No more Tuesday morning mojitos" only to fall right back into a rut by MLK Day. Well at least you're not alone. Apparently pro athletes also like to set goals for themselves when the calendar turns over. Here are some resolutions we uncovered during a variety of interviews* with the biggest names in sports.

Peyton Manning: Learn how to throw a deep out route from wheelchair.
Urban Meyer: Spend more quality time with the family.
Albert Pujols: Get approval from MLB to wear first ever solid gold uniform.
LeBron James: Lose weight to lessen the load on D-Wade's shoulders during the playoffs.
DeSean Jackson: Undergo surgery to replace alligator arms with human arms.

Jeff Van Gundy: Find the cure for male pattern baldness.
Stan Van Gundy: Find the cure for male pattern fatness.
Tony LaRussa: Enjoy retirement and stop using home phone to make pitching changes.
Cam Newton: Force a trade back to Auburn to get a better contract.
Tim Tebow: Pray just a little bit more.
Kris Humphries: Figure out how to get more face time on television – ESPN, TNT and NBATV don’t count.
David Stern: Use "basketball reasons" to rig the playoffs so the Lakers play the Heat in the Finals.

Derek Jeter: Change nothing.
Dwight Howard: Stop requesting trades to places like New Jersey.
Kobe Bryant: Pass the ball to Kobe Bryant more.
Baseball Hall of Fame: Take the words “integrity, sportsmanship and character” out of voting guidelines for the next ten years.
Theo Epstein: Come to senses, quit immediately.
Philadelphia Eagles: Make the playoffs.
NHL: Stop broadcasting games on public access television.
Brett Favre: Un-retire and return to a successful career in cell phone dong shots.
Ndamukong Suh: Learn how to tackle without being charged with aggravated assault.

College athletics: Do anything right. 

*We made these up.