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The Cabinet of the United Stars of NASCAR

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President – Roger Penske

Who else but The Captain? After 15 Indianapolis 500 wins, a NASCAR Nationwide title, and currently in serious contention for a Cup title, it would be hard to deny a self-made billionaire who started out with a single Chevrolet dealership. He’s won in all makes, from a Taurus to a Matador, a Camaro and a Challenger, Chargers and Grand Prixs – and he came within a few hours of owning his own car company when GM was divesting itself of Saturn in 2009. Didn’t like Romney being derided for being a millionaire, you say? Well how about a legitimate billionaire? An added bonus: He hails from Ohio, a swing state everyone covets and worth its weight in sheet metal.

by Vito Pugliese

Vice President – Mark Martin

Who else would make a better veep than Mark Martin, the guy who has finished second place in Cup titles on five occasions? Many contend that he won the title in 1990 (much like former VP Al Gore still contends he won in 2000). The same could be said for the 2007 Daytona 500 when NASCAR’s rules changed coming out of Turn 4 on the final lap — although you’d never hear Martin complain about it publicly. His current part-time gig is tailor made for vice presidential duties, allowing him time to attend state funerals, photo ops and ribbon cuttings, as well as bridging the gap between young and old voters. Who else better to extol the virtues of both hard work and Gucci Mane to the electorate? Besides, if you really need to find him (unlike Dick Cheney) his undisclosed location will be pretty easy to find – the gym in his basement.

by Vito Pugliese
Photo by ASP, Inc.

Chief of Staff – Chad Knaus

The Chief of Staff sets the tone for the administration and directs the steps and actions of the day-to-day happenings within the White House. Chad Knaus is the obvious answer here. George W. Bush had Karl Rove as “The Architect” to his 2000 presidential campaign, while Jimmie Johnson had Knaus as his architect in five consecutive successful title runs from 2006-10. When Johnson backed it into the wall at Kansas a few weeks ago, it was Knaus who calmly surveyed the damage and directed his men on how to repair the No. 48 car. Could a mangled heap that was just shortened by two feet even make the minimum speed at the newly-repaved, downforce-dependent speedway? Naturally, he made it through with a ninth-place finish – just one spot behind rival Brad Keselowski.

by Vito Pugliese
Photo by ASP, Inc.

First Lady – Danica Patrick

Yeah, I know. Kind of a cop out, but whatever. At least you get a nice picture out of it.

by Vito Pugliese
Photo by ASP, Inc.

White House Press Secretary – Carl Edwards

The Press Secretary is the person responsible for going out in front of the public each day and making things seem better than they really are – or completely obfuscating any semblance of trouble, wrong-doing or dire consequence waiting around the corner. The “spin master in chief” must keep control of the story regardless of what may really be happening in plain sight, and the next time that Carl Edwards seems down and out or riddled with uncertainty will be the first. He’s the perfect driver for any sponsor, and after losing the 2011 championship on a tie-breaker and enduring a winless streak that in a couple of races will approach two years, Edwards could convince even the most skeptical voter that the cup isn’t just half full, it’s half as big as it should be — and he’d do it from the infield TV booth. Every weekend.

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by Vito Pugliese
Photo by ASP, Inc.

Secretary of State – Jeff Burton

No brainer. He is “The Mayor,” after all and may be destined for a career in politics once he ditches the firesuit. No matter how ridiculous a situation, if you ask Burton about it you’ll get a 10-minute explanation that begins with, “Well let’s take a look at it…” and at the end, you’ll wonder why there’s even a problem in the first place. If Secretary of State isn’t an option, perhaps Jedi Mind-Master is further down the chain of command. Heck, even when Jeff Gordon went after him at Texas a few years ago, he smoothed things over and they rode in the ambulance together. Originally recruited at one time to become the heir to Dale Earnhardt Sr. prior to his untimely passing, Burton is as positive a representative of the sport as one could ask for, making him the perfect man for the job.

by Vito Pugliese
Photo by ASP, Inc.

Secretary of Defense – Jack Roush

What other guy arrives to the track in a World War II P-51D Mustang and has an SR-71 model of his own tuner Mustang GT? He definitely would be no fan of foreign aggression, as demonstrated by his disdain of Toyota entering NASCAR, and most certainly has “This Aggression Will Not Stand” crocheted on a pillow in his hauler's heavily fortified rec room. Jack started out drag racing with the Tijuana Taxi, dominated IMSA and Trans-Am in the late 1980s and into the '90s, and started up one of the most successful modern NASCAR teams 1988. He bleeds red, white and Blue Oval, and his answers to even the most mundane and routine questions sounds suspiciously like those that would be voiced by former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. While Jack has had a couple of brushes with mortality the past decade with airplane crashes, he has no intention of grounding the fleet. He’s still at the track every weekend and signs his autographs with “U.S.A.” under his name. No questions as to where his loyalties lie.

by Vito Pugliese
Photo by ASP, Inc.

Speaker of The House – Kurt Busch

There would be no mother****g doubt at what time a g******ed vote or motion is taking place, because Kurt Busch would be the first one to tell you when that s*** was going down and how the f*** it was going to happen. Maybe Patricia would take the gavel out of his hand before he goes after the leader of the Senate with it. NASCAR’s walking sound bite would be second in succession to the presidency, leading him to question what dumb son of a b**** drew up that stupid plan, and why he isn’t first. F***!

by Vito Pugliese
Photo by ASP, Inc.

Administrator of the EPA – Ward Burton

Ward Burton walked away from racing a few years ago and began to focus his energies on conservation and environmental efforts in his home state of Virginia. In 2005, he was appointed to the Virginia Board of Game and Inland Fisheries. Ward is an avid hunter and his Ward Burton Wildlife Foundation works to promote hunting, fishing, care and stewardship of forests and wetlands. Besides, where else are you going to find a guy willing to state that, “I wish I had something to have shot through the damn window” in an interview following getting wrecked by Dale Earnhardt Jr. at Bristol?

by Vito Pugliese

Secretary of Health and Human Services – Jimmy Spencer

Obviously. Slightly overweight, formerly sponsored by McDonald’s, a ketchup maker, muffler shops, and tobacco companies, Spencer smokes cigars and has the best hair money can buy. Or glue. Either way, Spencer — much like New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie — is a picture of health and would be a voice of reason amongst the sea of insanity that permeates through Washington (or Charlotte). He never forgets, isn’t afraid to take a swing and routinely hands out stogies, straight jackets and sob chamois on Race Hub. Smoke ’em if you got ’em.

by Vito Pugliese
Photo by SPEED