How will the Saints fare in 2015 and what else will happen during the upcoming season?
Madame La Veau has gazed into her crystal ball, has flipped through her tarot cards and has read some tea leaves. She has determined what will be the fate of the New Orleans Saints in the 2015 season. In the process, she also discovered some other future occurrences for some others in the National Football League. I will share these with all fans of the NFL.
1. The Saints will lose at Arizona, beat Tampa Bay then lose at Carolina in September.
2. Sean Payton will finally receive a long overdue endorsement deal for Juicy Fruit chewing gum.
3. After each Saints' touchdown in the Superdome, the public address system will play Fats Domino's version of "When the Saints Go Marching In" followed by "Second Line" by Stop Inc. Fans will be spared "Stand up and Get Crunk." (Actually, that is not a prediction, just a bit of wishful thinking on my part.)
4. After being drafted by a grassroots movement of Louisiana's residents, Drew Brees reluctantly will agree to become a late entry into the gubernatorial race. The quarterback will state, "Even though I am raising for four children, own multiple restaurants, endorse several products and lead a football team, I decided that I need something to do in my free time."
5. In October, the Saints will defeat Dallas, lose at Philadelphia, beat Atlanta and lose at Indianapolis.
6. After struggling in the first few games, Mark Ingram will break open for a long gain. After being tackled, he will promptly spike the ball in a release of frustration. This will result in a 15-yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty in a crucial situation.
7. With the blessing of Roger Goodell, the following team owners will hint at the relocation of their franchises if their current locations do not build a new stadium: Bills to Toronto, Raiders to Los Angeles and Jaguars to London.
8. The Saints will struggle in November. Their sole victory will occur at home versus Tennessee.
9. Payton will film a commercial for Juicy Fruit gum during the Saints' bye week. While filming, he will sustain a repetitive motion injury due to excessive gum chewing. He will have to resort to writing on dry-erase boards to yell at the officials during subsequent games.
10. In December and through the first weekend of 2016, the Saints will rattle off five straight wins to clinch the NFC South divisional crown.
11. Goodell will levy a hefty fine on Payton for profanity when a network camera catches a glimpse of an obscenity-laden message on his dry-erase board directed at the officials during a primetime game versus Detroit.
12. The Falcons were fined and deprived a fifth-round pick in the 2016 NFL Draft for piping in artificial crowd noise into the Georgia Dome in 2013 and '14. In response, the Falcons' public address system will switch to other sources of artificial noise, progressively more irritating. In the first quarter, those inside the stadium will hear sounds of babies crying. Recordings of fingernails scratching across chalkboards will fill the air in the second quarter. The third quarter will feature clips from members of the Falcons' organization and its fans spouting excuses why their team has never won a Super Bowl. During the fourth quarter and any overtime periods, those still left in the stands will hear tracks from albums recorded by Kanye West.
13. Peyton Manning will announce his retirement after the Broncos are eliminated from the divisional round of the AFC playoffs. Within a week, the Titans hold a press conference to announce that Manning has been hired as their new quarterbacks coach.
14. The Saints will win their wild card game at home then lose on the road in the divisional round.
15. During Super Bowl week, in an effort to further the NFL's international appeal, Goodell will announce the finalists for the city to host Super Bowl LV in 2021: London, Berlin, Shanghai and Timbuktu.
— Written by John La Fleur, who is part of the Athlon Contributor network. A graduate of Michigan State and LSU, La Fleur also has been a Saints fan since he was old enough to understand football. Follow him on Twitter @FBConnoisseur.