The official 2012 London Olympic headshots have to be seen to be believed. And even then, they don’t seem real. Here’s a few of the world’s worst photos of the world’s finest athletes.
The 14-time Olympic gold medalist was forced to put down the bong, exit the hacky sack circle and take a picture.
Roddick’s wife, swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker, has never taken a bad picture. Looks like Roddick has, though.
Apparently, the reigning 100-meter and 200-meter Olympic champ submitted his high school yearbook photo.
The beautiful game’s 20-year-old prodigy usually rocks a Mohawk, but decided mop-top bangs were a better look.
The face of her sport, May-Treanor almost certainly has a better driver’s license photo in her purse.
Judging by this retouched image, if the girl with the butterfly tattoos were a mail-order bride, she’d arrive via email.
Insert your own joke here.
The blonde bombshell posed nude for ESPN’s Body Issue, then showed up naked for her Olympic photo shoot.
Everyone wants to know how to get in Hantuchova’s jeans and how to stop the spreading of the Filipovic’s genes.
Pre-drag’s other brother, Post-drag, did not qualify for the Olympics as a race walker due to his high heals.
The Notre Dame Fighting Irish’s fencing star is giving Conan O’Brien’s famous coif a run for its money.
Did Shota take this shot under water? Or did he bring his own blue-green colored gel to cover the Olympic lens?
You just don’t see power suits with shoulder pads like you used to. No doubt about it, Juravleva remembers the 1980s.
When the Zombie Apocalypse finally hits, Rodriguez’s speed will make her one of the most dangerous running dead.
Borat should follow Margarita around for cultural learnings of London for make benefit glorious nation of Kazakhstan.
Who knew late-90s-era Slim Shady qualified for the Olympics? Is “rowing” slang for something else? Probably.
And early-90s-era Vanilla Ice is also competing? There is about to be a white boy rap battle — British style.
Part of “Rapuzel” Rejepova’s cardio training for the London Olympics was jumping rope with her pigtails.
Yik Chun Tang
The smoking hot ladies in Olympic Village better brace themselves for this 4x100-meter relay runner-slash-playboy.
FYI, Dutt has a custom-made bowl for his hair-styling and a tailor-made powder blue jumpsuit for just styling.
The bizarro farmer’s tan consists of a painfully red face surrounded by a pasty white forehead and body.
Appropriately nicknamed “Harry Potter” (seriously) this lady ping-pong pro must cast spells on her opponents.
If Andre the Giant and an ogre from the desert had a kid, he’d probably be an Olympic wrestler — if not WWE wrassler.
Even Ndamukong Suh doesn’t want to mess with Opeloge when she’s mad, tired, hungry or just posing for a headshot.
Young Jade is shocked that real cameras even exist; she thought only iPhones were capable of taking pictures.
Joe Dirt’s long lost sister has it all, especially a sweet mullet and irresistible throwback bangs.
The last time I played Clue, it was the count or baron or whatever, in the kitchen with an Olympic rifle.
Someone should have warned poor Linda just how provocative and dirty Terry Richardson photoshoots can be.
Yong Sim Choe
DPR of Korea
The face of North Korea’s women’s soccer team is obviously disappointed by the news that Kim Jong-un is married.
Convincing people he’s Michael Phelps with a mustache will be Kabush’s hobby once he gets off the bike in London.
More purple eye shadow, Marta! How many times do you need to be told? More purple eye shadow, Marta!
Joan Tomas Roca
Roca shot down the last man who made a Juan Valdez joke. He won’t tolerate even a reference to coffee or donkeys.
Creepy contacts or vampire? Tough call. Stanley does compete indoors, away from the sunlight, however.
If Pau Gasol thinks he has the neck-beard market locked down, he’s in for a surprise this summer in London.
Peppermint Patty’s new hairstyle helps, but the constant bike riding in Birkenstocks is still an issue.
Decided to use the photo already hanging in the post office as his official Olympic mug shot. It’s a branding thing.
Gollum is played by Ron Howard’s brother in this revisioning of the Lord of the Rings.
Anthony Davis’ unibrow is tame compared to Kat-daddy’s thicker, more aggressive black brow(s).
The Korean Justin Bieber will feel like he ran a marathon after wading through the mobs of fans in London.
Andy Warhol’s style isn’t just about Campbell’s soup and Marilyn Monroe prints; there’s also swimming involved.
Sure, Yauheni the Hut has an unstoppable mullet. But the wispy mustache on the corners of his mouth is the best.
Annie Leibovitz and Vanity Fair will be pissed when they find out Monty used his cover photo as an Olympic headshot.
The turtle neck is just not enough. Better wear a wide-neck over-sweater, just to be safe.
X-Y axis? Proportional? What are you talking about? Herrera's head is naturally shaped like a soccer ball.
Never look directly at the Northern Lights — your face will be seen through the prism of a carnival-mirror.
by Nathan Rush