-by Braden Gall (@AthlonBraden)
Throngs of fans and radio jocks flock to media events across the nation each year to signify the kickoff of the NCAA football season. And none of them learn a damn thing.
Nothing actually happens at a media event. Coaches spew cliches for eight hours and fans climb over the top of each just to get a chance at a picture or autograph with their favorite distinguished headmaster.
But what if they all had to answer these questions after a little shot of sodium pentothal, also known as truth serum? Can you imagine what type of answers would fly from the mouths of these normally tight-lipped, buttoned-up paranoid schizophrenics?
Here are my 12 questions for the SEC coaches that will never get answered:
Arkansas Bobby Petrino: Do you feel that Arkansas is a destination job for you personally?
What we think we'd hear: Nope, I will be the head coach of the Miami Dolphins in 2012.
Florida Will Muschamp: Will John Brantley be a successful SEC quarterback?
What we think we'd hear: Yes, but he was a bit overrated as a recruit and didn't fit the spread system at all like Urban Meyer thought. I will not hesitate to yank him out of the game if he struggles early on because I owe him nothing.
Mississippi StateDan Mullen: How much credit do you really deserve for all those explosive "Urban Meyer" offenses?
What we think we'd hear: Almost all of it. I was actually the mastermind behind Alex Smith, Josh Harris, Chris Leak and Tim Tebow - and we all saw what happened to the Gators' offense when I left for Starkville.
South CarolinaSteve Spurrier: Tell us how you really feel about Stephen Garcia? And as a follow up, how does it make you feel when you have to use Marcus Lattimore to run the football to score touchdowns?
What we think we'd hear: Welp, ohhh, you know, sometimes I just wanna ring his neck. But that might mess up my putting stroke, so we're gonna go to bat with Stevie as our guy. Also, win or lose, I can't get to sleep at night when I have to hand the ball off to score points.
AuburnGene Chizik: How did you get Cam Newton to sign with Auburn?
What we think we'd hear: To be honest with you, I have no intimate knowledge of the situation - I let all of the other people worry about the details so that I could answer this question truthfully.
Georgia Mark Richt: Will you be the head coach of the Georgia Bulldogs when 2011 is over?
What we think we'd hear: Absolutely. I am basically the winningest head coach in UGA history, we are going to play in Atlanta in Decemeber and I am going to politely ask Bulldog nation if they could please, if they wouldn't mind, stop calling for my head. Please?
Kentucky Joker Phillips: What is it like having to work in the same athletic department as John Calipari?
What we think we'd hear: It's great! Are you kidding? I could ride around in limos drinking all night and no one would notice! Of course, they don't notice when we go to four straight bowls for the first time in school history either. I'm torn.
Tennessee Derek Dooley: Was Lane Kiffin's net effect on the University of Tennessee positive or negative?
What we think we'd hear: I think he left the school with a better brand image on the recruiting trail, and me with better players, than when Phillip Fulmer left. Plus, I can do no wrong for the first couple of seasons because Big Orange nation is still focused on hating him so much.
AlabamaNick Saban: Which quarterback do you want under center when LSU comes to town in November?
What we think we'd hear: Greg McElroy.
LSULes Miles: Do you have faith in Jordan Jefferson's ability to lead your team to a championship? And as a follow up, how does the grass taste differently in each SEC stadium?
What we think we'd hear: Abosultely not, but I am going to stick with him anyway! Whooo! And that second one is a toughie. You know, every stadium has its own unique aroma and distinct flavor. The grass in Kentucky is the best though. Have a nice day!
Ole MissHouston Nutt: Do you wish you would have stayed at Arkansas?
What we think we'd hear: Yup, but I am not sure they would have let me stay anyway. It probably was the best time for me to leave, but they never really appreciated me.
VanderbiltJames Franklin: What has been the key to Vanderbilt's unprecedented recent success on the recruiting trail?
What we think we'd hear: No comment.
OTHER SEC CONTENT:
The conference will also release the media predictions during the three-day event. Here's a look at Athlon's 2011 SEC Predictions.