Satire: Brian Kelly Calls Out God for Notre Dame’s 2-5 Record

No one is safe from blame as Kelly looks for excuses

Notre Dame head coach Brian Kelly continued his history of blaming others after losses during his Monday press conference by pointing his finger at the almighty above for the Fighting Irish’s 2-5 record.

 

“People won’t like me for saying this but I’m very disappointed in the lack of divine intervention for this team,” Kelly lamented. “For quote-unquote ‘God’s team,’ you wouldn’t know it watching the games.”

 

 

Kelly said the last two weeks have been especially troubling.

 

“First we get stuck playing NC State in the middle of a damn hurricane when God knows we’re a passing team. And did you see how close that Stanford touchdown was on Saturday to being a touchback in the end zone for us? ’The luck of the Irish’ my ass.”  

 

While attending Mass on Sunday, Kelly said he made it clear to The Man Above that not only are all 22 starting jobs up for grabs as Kelly stated after the Duke loss but that even God’s spot with Notre Dame isn’t secure right now.

 

“I told God during my prayer, ‘When you’re 2-5, no one is exempt from blame’ — well, except me, of course. I’ve done a hell of a job just to win those two games with this group of mental midgets.”

 

Kelly noted that everything’s changed since 2012 when Notre Dame went a perfect 12-0 in the regular season to reach the BCS Championship Game.

 

“Do you remember how many games we pulled out of our ass that year?” Kelly mused. “There was the Stanford game where Stepfan Taylor was ruled down when he actually scored a touchdown. Then there was the Pitt game where they shanked a 33-yard field goal in double overtime that would have won it. I just expected that to be the norm around here.”

 

When asked to pinpoint when things changed, Kelly was quick to respond: “Two words: Lennay Kekua. Ever since God found out that Manti Te'o's dead girlfriend was a fake before the Alabama game, he’s wanted nothing to do with us. We got blown out by ‘Bama, had two mediocre seasons and then half our team got hurt last season. Now this. How else do you explain it?”

 

After a bye week, Kelly said he’ll find out a lot about God’s commitment to Notre Dame football when the Irish host Miami on Oct. 29.

 

“God didn’t help us on Saturday against a bunch of atheists and our next game is ‘Catholics vs. Convicts 2.’ If God doesn’t help us win then, then when?”

 

Kelly ended the press conference by issuing an ultimatum to school president Rev. John I. Jenkins:

 

“Father Jenkins, God better show up on the 29th or else this might be the offseason we get a bigger scoreboard in the end zone that would block Touchdown Jesus’ view. He’s been free-loading around here long enough...”

 

— Written by Jim Weber, a veteran college sports journalist, occasional satirist (see above) and member of the Athlon Contributor Network. Weber has written for CBS Sports Network, NBCSports.com, ESPN the Magazine and the college sports website he founded and sold, LostLettermen.com. Follow him on Twitter at @JimMWeber.

Event Date: 
Sunday, October 16, 2016 - 21:58

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